Grief During Menopause

An encouraging article about dealing with grief and loss of a loved one while going through life changes like menopause. Explore the five stages of grief and the controversial timeframe in which someone is expected to move through the grieving process.


Grief is part of life.

But what do you do when you’re forced to go through it during menopause?

My mother died on March 1st, 2018, and it hit me like a brick. Sure I knew she was aging, and she had recovered from brain cancer already, and open-heart surgery. I had accepted that the risks were high that my mother might not be around forever.

But I didn’t really believe it.

A little girl thinks her mother will be around forever, and we’re all still little girls at heart. That carefree angelic child we once were, is still there beneath the surface, crying for mama.

It was my mother who always seemed to softened the blow no matter what I was going through.

She was the first person I called when I had some life-altering problem to solve, or needed a shoulder to cry on. She was there for me as an adult during the most important parts of my life, helping me through with her wisdom.

She was there for me when I got married, had babies, and entered menopause.

She was there for me through every phase of my life, and milestone. She was my personal cheerleader.

She celebrated my success as a published author. Something we shared together because she was my role model and we talked about the characters of our books all the time.

She was my best friend!

At certain times in my life, she wasn’t my best friend though. She was my worst enemy. I’m ashamed of those times now, but the lessons she taught me because of it were invaluable.

She didn’t always tell me what I wanted to hear.

But isn’t that what a mom is for? They teach you no matter what; no matter if it’s tough, and we may hate her for it.

My mother was a living breathing teaching machine. She taught me how to be a good human. She taught me how to love. She taught me how to make the most out of my life, and how to enjoy every breath God gave me.

She taught me about God.

Everything I am is because of her in one way or another, even though I can’t even comprehend that statement. Genetics is so strange. Even the way we think is shaped by our mothers.

She was invaluable!

So how do you go on without your mother?

According to leading experts, grief is supposed to be neatly packaged into five predictable stages, but from what I have experienced, this is not the case at all.

Grief is not linear!

It doesn’t happen the same for everyone, nor should it.

Let’s explore what the experts say.

STAGE 1 – DENIAL

When I found out my mother had died, I was numb and in complete shock. My entire arms started to tremble. I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t think.

I ran to the bathroom at work, and I cried.

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, “But she was doing so well!” My mind wouldn’t let me comprehend the fact that she was no longer living. I imagined her sitting in her chair, with her happy smile, trying to figure out her iPad I had taught her to use.

I looked at her last text on my phone and thought of sending her another one.

I imagined her looking out of her apartment window, waving at me as I drove away the last time I saw her.

I imagined calling her while I folded laundry, talking about our favorite topics.

She wasn’t dead. She couldn’t be!

It was hard to accept the fact that my mother was no longer there for me. She was no longer there, period!

I had to face reality, but I didn’t want to.

As a mature woman, I already knew how to face change. But this was a big one. Menopause gave me more than enough change at the moment. I didn’t need more.

Menopause, in itself, sends you through different kinds of grieving stages. I had to mourn the fact that I was no longer a young woman. At least not the woman I once was. My body was changing and still is. I needed my mother to help me through all that.

But now she can’t.

I have to face one of the most challenging stages of life, alone.

And as I continued the denial stage of grief, my body felt it. My hot flashes suddenly got way worse. Heart palpitations sounded like thundering horses. My head was spinning, and my hormones were up and down like a crazy person.

I know this happens with most people going through grief, but as a woman who is also going through menopause, the grief doubles.

And it’s not that I’m saying one woman’s pain is worse than another, it’s that I’m recognizing the struggle and addressing it for women going through menopause.

It felt like a double whammy!

Not only did I have to grieve my own body changes (and that sorrow is real), but I had to now grieve the loss of my mother.

That would make anyone get stuck in the denial stage.

But don’t.

I knew I had to go on without my mother, but I could’ve been stuck in the denial stage if I wanted to. Ultimately, the choice was mine to make.

Just like menopause. The analogy brings understanding to me. I don’t want to get stuck pretending menopause doesn’t exist. I think I’ve moved past that, into the next stage, but it’s amazing how the two compare.

I don’t want to pretend my mother didn’t die.

It’s odd to say this, but I want to embrace my mother’s death.

I want to honor her struggle from life to death, and what that actually means.

Once I wrapped my brain around that, I was able to move forward.

STAGE 2 – ANGER

All I can say is allow yourself to feel the anger. It’s real, and it’s raw, and it comes in all shapes and sizes.

And it’s okay to feel it.

Experiencing anger when you grieve is normal, and it just shows you the intensity of the love you had for the person who died.

But anger may not be what you think.

I didn’t really feel angry that my mom died. Some people do, and that’s okay too. I am a person of faith and I knew she was happy and healthy in heaven with my stepfather.

When I think of the anger stage of grief, that’s what comes to mind: Being angry at my loved one for dying.

But it didn’t happen to me like that.

Instead, I was a ticking time bomb, ready to explode for no reason. My poor husband. No matter what he said, it was the wrong thing. His words seemed to rub me the wrong way, and I reacted angrily, over and over.

Here’s where menopause adds to the problem. I was already feeling like I couldn’t control my body or emotions. My hormones were already out of whack. I cry at the drop of a hat, or get mad at the slightest thing, just because of menopause.

But now… everything seemed twice as bad.

I don’t know how many times I shouted at my poor husband who was just trying to help. I’m embarrassed to say that I treated him poorly through that first week after my mom died. He must have felt like he was walking on eggshells.

But he stayed home to help me through my emotional mess, and I am so thankful!

My sister and I got into a big fight, which was unusual for us. It came out of the blue and I wasn’t prepared for it. I couldn’t believe I had acted like such a jerk.

And there is no excuse for it.

But that’s the anger stage.

We’re all different, and some people skip this stage altogether or even get stuck here.

Don’t get stuck in the anger!

Anger is a mask for other emotions, and the experts say we need to figure out what the mask is covering, But I don’t care what they say. I don’t know what it’s covering. Grief doesn’t make sense, and it’s okay not to know.

The way I got through this stage was to just allow myself to feel. At first, I didn’t. I bottled it up. I shoved it so far down and hid it, so it wouldn’t come to the surface.

That just made me sick, and my body felt it.

It’s weird, and it’s hard to explain, but it’s real. Let yourself have emotions while you grieve, and don’t worry about offending people or embarrassing yourself.

Because that is grief.

It’s offensive, and it’s ugly!

But getting past the anger stage is important too. When you offend someone, apologize. Recognize it for what it is, and forgive. Talk about it, and don’t pretend it isn’t real.

Don’t let anger cause a rift in the family that goes on for years. Address it, forgive it, talk about your feelings, and move on!

Trust me, you CAN move on!

STAGE 3 – BARGAINING

This was a bizarre stage for me. What the heck is ‘Bargaining’ anyway?

‘If only the doctor wouldn’t have messed around with her medications, then she would still be alive. If only she didn’t have the surgery. If I wouldn’t have been such a bad daughter and visited her more, maybe she never would have gotten sick.’

That’s bargaining.

Thinking we can turn back the clock and make someone well, or prevent the accident, or make someone live again, is the bargaining stage of grief.

In my own mind, I realize there is an element of truth there. I did think I could prevent my mother’s death, had I only been there, or done this or that better.

It’s twisted, and it’s not even possible, but our brains try.

And guilt and blame goes right along with the bargaining stage of grief. It did for me. I wished I had called my mother more, and visited more often.

In fact, a couple of days before her death, something gnawed at me to call her. But I was too busy. I was always too busy. I hated myself for that. I hated the fact that I had missed my chance to hear my mom’s voice one last time because I was too tired to call.

I wanted to turn back the clock and call her, or visit. I thought perhaps in some way, I could have prevented her death, or at the very least, bought her some more time. 

I know other people have experienced this as well. You tell yourself, If you had just arrived earlier, you could have prevented this. If you had just been able to visit that day, none of this would have happened. If you had just…

But it never stops.

Blame is part of grief. Regret is part of grief. Guilt is part of grief.

Even if it was not your fault in any way, shape, or form, you still blame yourself.

And it’s unbearable.

It’s a mind game and it’s a dumb one!

You can get quite good at the game. You can actually convince yourself that you were the cause of your loved one’s death until you make yourself sick with it.

The bargaining stage is confusing because you don’t really know what you’re doing. It just comes out of your mouth, or your mind, and you don’t know why.

I was the cause of my mother’s death.’

But you’re not!

In time, you realize it was just her time to go. We’re all given a certain amount of days to live, and that’s it. Nothing you can say or do will prevent divine calling in your life.

God has numbered our days, and that plan is far greater than any of us.

And completely out of our hands.

This is my belief, but I respect those who view it differently too. Regardless of your belief system, blaming yourself, or someone else, or the circumstances, will not bring that person back to life.

That’s what woke me up and helped me through.

Nothing would bring my mother back.

I could only forgive myself and move forward.

But some people can’t. They get stuck.

Don’t get stuck.

It’s important to talk about our feelings in this stage, and know that it’s all part of the journey.

As I said before, it’s ugly, and it sucks, but it’s real and raw.

Allow yourself to feel that, and move at whatever pace you darn well want!

STAGE 4 – DEPRESSION

This one’s a doozy!

Not only is depression rising in today’s society, but menopausal women struggle with it also. In fact, depression and suicide are the leading causes of death in middle-aged women.

Throw in the death of a loved one, and the struggle becomes unbearable.

But grief is a process of healing, and depression is part of that process. It’s necessary. It’s what happens when the loss finally settles deep into the soul.

We get it.

We don’t like it, but we get it. We understand that there is now a great big hole where our loved one once was.

I didn’t get to this stage until the day after the funeral. I had said goodbye to my mom, and my mind had finally come to grips with the reality that she had not gotten better this time; That she wasn’t coming back.

The pain is real, and that’s depressing.

But this depression isn’t the kind caused by mental illness. It’s important to understand that. We don’t have a chemical imbalance in our brains because of the loss of a loved one.

Sure we could medicate ourselves.

We could numb the pain.

But it’s important to feel it.

The day after the funeral, I felt so depressed, I didn’t talk at all. And I usually chatter all day long. My husband asked why I wasn’t talking, but I think he knew why. He was just trying to get me to be normal again. But there was no normal.

This was sad!

I felt like I was floating in the middle of the open sea, with nobody around me for miles. I was lost and nobody could find me.

I stayed like that for a couple of days, and it was awful.

But it was normal.

It was part of the healing.

Some people get stuck in this stage, and can’t get out.

Some people stay longer than others.

Some people never go through this stage.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not grieving like normal.

There is no RIGHT way!

Take as long as you want, but don’t get stuck!

It’s important to move on to the next healing stage.

STAGE 5 – ACCEPTANCE

Acceptance doesn’t mean we’re okay. It doesn’t mean everything is right in the world again. It doesn’t mean we’re done with grieving. It doesn’t mean we’re okay with what happened.

We’re not!

Most people are not okay with what happened, and never will be!

It does mean that we have accepted the fact that our loved one is gone. It does mean we are a little better than we were the day before. It does mean we have more good days than bad.

Acceptance means we are trying to live with it.

Acceptance means we are learning to live in a world without that loved one. For me, it means I am facing a life without my mother. It means she won’t be there for me anymore; It means there will be a hole in my heart where she once lived.

And that way of thinking is normal.

Acceptance is often looked at as restarting our lives where we left off, before the death of a loved one. But that is simply not true!

Nothing will ever be the same again.

I won’t be able to take my mom shopping anymore, or visit her in her little apartment for Christmas, Easter, Mother’s Day, or her birthday.

Acceptance is an understanding that life has changed. The life we once knew, no longer exists because that loved one isn’t there to share it with us.

My mom is not there to share it with me.

It’s not okay, but I accept it.

I am trying to find a way to move on without her, and that sucks, but it’s reality.

In time, I will find ways to do this, by finding joy in other people and other family members. I will put one step forward and choose happiness.

It’s what my mother would have wanted.

And as the days pass without her, and I learn to laugh again, it may feel like I’ve forgotten her. But I will never forget my mother!

She lives on in me.

She lives on in my children.

She lives on in my grandchildren.

She lives on in my memories.

People who have never experienced a loss close to them, don’t understand that we still grieve from time to time, even years after. Some little triggered memory or birthday causes us to tear up. It’s all still there and never goes away.

Acceptance doesn’t mean we forget, or are done with grief.

We will always feel the hole.

But we will learn that it’s the new normal.

Some people have a hard time getting to this stage. I was blessed with getting to stage five quickly. But if you take longer, then embrace that.

Allow yourself the time to heal.

Truth be told, I am still healing and probably always will be.

But I am okay.

As for this hitting me right smack dab in the middle of menopause, I am okay with that too. Why? Because I choose to be. I choose to be happy, even when my hormones go whacky, and hot flashes consume me.

I choose to be okay!

Does that mean I won’t have setbacks?

No!

I admit I was thrown off my diet plan when my mom died.

I had no motivation to work out.

I ate more than I should have and gained some weight.

I stumbled out of my healthy routines.

But that’s okay.

Because I’m okay.

If that’s you, then be okay with it. Give yourself a break.

Give yourself some time to heal.

And get back in the game as soon as you feel well enough. Do whatever you can to motivate yourself. Speak positive affirmations. Pray and meditate. Take time to smell the roses. Slow down. Play.

Surround yourself with happiness.

Put one foot in front of the other, and know that it’s normal to grieve at your own pace and that everyone goes through the process differently.

We’re all different.

Yet we’re all the same.

Learn to live with grief, and allow yourself to heal in whatever way that works for you. Don’t let anyone tell you grief is supposed to follow a linear path and if you deviate off of it, you are somehow not normal.

You ARE normal!

I hope this blog helped someone going through grief and loss. My desire is to help menopausal women as they face challenges like this. Grief is a huge challenge in an already challenging and complex time of change.

It isn’t easy, but it is doable.

Talk about it!

Share your feelings!

Accept them.

Know that there is hope, and life will go on with a new normal, and you will be happy once again!

I’ve compiled a list of books that may help the grieving process at the end of this article.

If this has helped you in any way, please let me know.

Until then – live well, be happy, and push forward!

Some of the links in this post are affiliate links. This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission at no extra cost to you. All opinions remain my own.

Check out some books on grief that may help you.

Click HERE For Other Articles on Crunchy Menopause.


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Author Kathleen Morris

Kathleen Morris is a successful published author, blogger, and Youtuber. She enjoys writing about things she’s passionate about and making a difference in the world.

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