14 Ways to Cope with an Empty Nest

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The pain is real, and it hurts like nothing you’ve ever experienced before.

Nobody warned you about it, but here it is. You’re faced with saying goodbye to your child. One by one they leave the nest you built for them.

They spread their wings and fly.

As a parent, you want to hold on tight. You want to protect them like you’ve always done. You want to rescue them and make sure they are warm and safe.

That’s what parents do.

But what is this?

It feels like the worst kind of abandonment imaginable. It feels like a horrible gut-wrenching attack on your very soul and you don’t know how you will ever survive it.

But you will.

We all have.

Every parent on the face of the earth has had to let their children go. Newborns ween from the breast. Toddlers learn to walk. Children become independent. Teenagers transition into young men and women. It’s inevitable.

You can’t stop them.

It’s their time.

In the blink of an eye, they disappear into a world of adventure, unsure of themselves but determined to forge their own path.

You did your job and now it’s time to step aside. As they drive away from your protective nest one last time, you wave until you can’t see them anymore.

Gone.

Just like that.

Maybe she is your oldest child. Maybe she is your only child. Maybe he is the baby of the family. It doesn’t matter. The pain is the same no matter how full your nest was or the chronological order in which they came.

My point is, the pain of an empty nest is like grief. It’s personal. It’s raw and unpredictable. It needs to be respected and understood. Everyone is different in how they handle it, but the common denominator remains. You must go on somehow.

This article is dedicated to all parents who’ve experienced empty nest syndrome and can’t find a way to survive it no matter how hard they try.

Hopefully, you will find some of these suggestions helpful, and you will begin to smile again. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve seen it.

1. LET THEM GO

I have three children, and they all left home right after high-school graduation. Couldn’t they have waited a few years, I asked myself at the time?

I wasn’t ready for this.

Nobody prepared me for this kind of pain. My mother never mentioned how difficult it was to say goodbye to me when I left a couple of months after my high-school graduation.

I didn’t notice tears in her eyes.

Did she hide them from me the same way I was hiding them from my daughter who suddenly decided to see the world?

California.

Did she have to experience life so far away? Couldn’t she stay close by so I could dote over her like I always did?

Nope! In the blink of an eye, she disappeared from my life. This tiny little cherub girl had grown into a woman somehow, right before my very eyes.

How did I miss that?

She was ready for the world without needing my protection and nurturing anymore, and I had to let her go whether I wanted to or not, even if she failed.

Letting go of your first baby is very hard, and if she is a girl, it’s even harder because of that mother-daughter bond. I can only imagine how dads feel.

Daddy’s little girl is all grown up.

I remember both her dad and I shed tears when she left. We weren’t sure if she’d be safe. We weren’t sure if she could fly on her own, but we had to let her try.

We had to let her go.

I cried so hard for many months after that. Sure, she came to visit, but it wasn’t the same. She lived in her own place now. She had come back from California a new woman, an independent woman, but no longer needed our protective nest.

Even though she only lived an hour and a half away, we seldom saw her. I felt like that mother-daughter bond was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.  

But it was supposed to be like that, at least for a season.

She needed time to grow.

The same thing happened with my son a couple of years later. He left right after high-school graduation and my heart was torn again, still raw from my daughter’s exodus.

When it came time for number three to leave the nest, (my baby), I had nothing left inside of me to fight the pain of abandonment I felt.

I couldn’t cope. It was an emotional rollercoaster.

He was my baby, and I wanted to keep him safe under my wing forever even though he was already a pretty independent guy. All I saw was a little boy that needed protection from a big bad world.

But I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.

He left right after high-school graduation just like his siblings. Didn’t my kids realize they were torturing their parents by leaving so suddenly?

I’m sure they see it differently. Maybe they were itching to leave the nest because of restrictions, rules, and discipline. Who knows?

Maybe a dad’s perspective is slightly different?

This is mine. This is a mother’s perspective. It comes from the nurturing side of life and it’s normal. It’s the way it’s supposed to be.

You did your job, mom.

You helped shape your children into productive members of society. You need to pat yourself on the back and realize what a huge accomplishment that is.

You made them who they are.

If you can look at it this way instead of a loss, the pain of letting them go won’t take a hold of you so firmly.

You will realize letting go of your children is the best thing you can ever do for them.

As hard as it is, just let them go!

2. FEEL THE PAIN

The thing about letting children go is that it hurts. There are no other words that effectively describe what it feels like to protect them for so many years and then suddenly be expected to just stop doing that.

It’s not a parent’s natural instinct.

From the moment we feel our child kicking inside of us we form an unbreakable bond with them. Every breath we take is for them.

When it’s time to birth them into the world, motherhood takes on a whole new meaning. We experience the joy of what it means to take care of a tiny human being.

We are responsible for this little life.

I felt like this. I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility, love, and appreciation for my newfound role. I was a mother.

What is a mother if not someone who cares for their child? What is a mother if not someone who protects them at all times?

We spend a lifetime in one particular frame of mind and then suddenly we are expected to switch gears without feeling disappointed, rejected, and alone.

Sure, we knew that one day they would have to grow up, but I think secretly we hope that will never happen.

I raised my three children to be independent so they would be able to take care of themselves as adults. I spent years teaching them how to be the human beings they are today.

Truth be told, I never wanted to be done teaching them.

But, is that what is going on here? Are we done being a mother just because our children move out? Have we finished the job just because it changes?

I think this is where the confusion starts.

When my children began to leave the nest, I thought I wasn’t needed anymore. I felt rejected as their mother even though I knew better.

Didn’t they know I sacrificed my entire life for them? I gave them everything and now they are just walking away. How dare they!

A part of my mind understood this had to happen, but the nurturing side of my mind played tricks on me. I was getting mixed messages from my own brain and I had to sort it all out.

Was it possible that over time I would get used to it?

Looking back, I can clearly say yes. Time heals all wounds and this is one of them even though it’s the natural progression of life, and to be expected.

I knew it had to happen but I didn’t have to like it.

It was a situation I couldn’t control, and because of that, depression set in. To some degree depression is normal. It’s an important coping mechanism because it allows us to feel.

Sure, depression can become chronic but that is not the type of depression I’m talking about here. I’m talking about situational depression that comes and goes because of our circumstances.

That is us dealing with our feelings and that’s a good thing. The worst thing in the world is to run from our feelings so we don’t have to deal with them. That avoidance can cause a lot of other problems we don’t need thrown into the mix.

People run in various different ways. Some run to the doctor for medication and numb themselves so they don’t have to deal with the pain.

Some people run from their feelings by trying to fill the hole with other things like impulsive spending sprees, alcohol, illegal drugs, among other things that are not good for us.

If you don’t allow yourself to feel the pain you will never get through it. You will never work the problem out.

I can say this with all certainty because I experienced these feelings I’m talking about here. If I didn’t push myself through the pain, I never would have come out on the other side.

And there is another side.

When I was new to the empty nest syndrome, I didn’t realize that I was going through a transition. I didn’t know my role as a mother was changing, not ending.

Several years later, I now realize that I am still a mother. My role has changed but It’s just as important as it was when I was a new mom. It’s just different.

If I wouldn’t have gone through the pain and allowed myself to feel it, I never would have fully understood why it was necessary.

Remember the term ‘transition’ in labor? As a mom of three, I experienced the full meaning of it on three different occasions. It wasn’t fun.

Transition is the hardest part of labor because it’s the pivotal point between the hard work you’re doing and the outcome. Birth.

Transition involves a lot of pain, and ultimately something they call the ring of fire. It’s the final point where your perennial area burns and stretches around the baby’s head so you can push that new human into the world.

This, my friends, is an analogy created specifically for the empty nesting stage. It’s what is happening to you right now. You are pushing a new human into the world.  

This ring of fire stage is you letting them go, just like you let them go from your loins so long ago. And it hurts! It hurts like nothing you’ve ever felt before, but it’s necessary so that you can transition into a different phase of motherhood.

A seasoned mother this time.

If somebody would’ve told me this when I was first going through it, I would’ve slapped their face. I would’ve shouted obscenities at them and told them they didn’t understand.

But I understand now. I know the why.

If I could go back to my younger self and help her through this, I would choose my words carefully. When you’re going through difficulty, the worst thing in the world is for people to insinuate that you shouldn’t be as upset as you are.

Just get over it, they would say.

Instead of that, I would simply tell her it’s okay to be sad. I would tell her that she needs to allow herself to feel the burn.

I would tell her it’s normal.

I would tell my younger self to push through the pain because there is something beautiful waiting on the other side.

You will see that one day when it stops hurting so much, you will have a new role and you will be just as good at that role as you were with the old one, if not better.

Allow yourself to feel the pain, and don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re being too emotional. It’s all part of the process and you will be just fine.

3. DON’T FOLLOW THEM

For some parents with young adults, the tendency is to follow them wherever they go. If they move away to college, parents go with them.

If they move half-way across the country for a job, parents go with them.

From what I have found, that’s an avoidance issue. That’s us trying to hold onto them so we don’t feel empty.

That’s not dealing with the pain.

If we follow them all over the place, our children won’t develop independence. Their wings will be lame and non-functional. They will never fly on their own.

We don’t want that.

This transition is just as important to them as it is to us. A parent needs to learn how to be okay without their child just as much as a child needs to learn how to be okay without a parent.

It’s part of the growth process and can’t be skipped.

Let them go and don’t follow them.

Another form of following is what I call, The Providing Syndrome. It’s a control thing that we parents do to avoid feeling empty. If we can keep them within our reigns, we won’t ever have to let them go and we won’t ever have to be (not) needed.

But that’s not beneficial to them or you.

Some parents latch on to The Providing Syndrome and never let it go. They hold on to it throughout their child’s entire adult life. It’s sad because it never allows your little bird to fly solo and even stunts their growth.

Some parents stuck in this syndrome think it’s okay to buy their college student a house, justifying the fact that it’s hard to make a living these days.

That’s all well and good, but what are you really trying to do? Are you trying to control the situation so you don’t have to deal with the pain of an empty nest?

Are you keeping them close for your own benefit?

Are you paying their bills and buying their groceries for your own personal gain? If you provide for them, perhaps they will still need you. Buying them back is never the answer.

All that will do is prolong the inevitable.

How long do you want to hold your child back?

We’ve all heard about the worst-case scenario:  A 40-year-old adult child who still lives in their parent’s basement playing video games and delivering pizza for a living. Do we seriously want that?

We don’t want a failure to launch. We want a successful flight.

Now, I’m not saying we can’t ever help our children out. If they genuinely need financial help, of course, we help them. We don’t want them standing in the welfare line.

If we have the financial ability to buy them a house because we want to help them get ahead of the game, that’s fine. But make sure you do it with the proper motives.

If you want to manipulate your child into needing you, that’s not the reason to help them out.

When it comes time for your child to leave the nest, let them leave and don’t follow them or try to manipulate them to live close by so you feel needed.

Let them go and experience life on their own.

4. REDO THEIR ROOM

Don’t keep their room as a shrine.

The worst thing you can do is nothing. You want to move on in a healthy way and that means redoing their room into something functional for yourself.

If you have always wanted to put in a hot tub, then use your child’s old room to do it. If you’ve always wanted a sewing room, start cleaning out juniors closet.

It’s healthy to pack up your children’s belongings when they move off to college. You can even keep the room as a spare bedroom when they come to visit. But it can’t be their room anymore. It can’t.

You have to let that part of your life go. You have to let them go.

You can keep the bed in there if you want. Most of us need a guest room anyway. That’s okay. What isn’t okay is keeping every detail of your child’s room the exact same way as if they never left.

Don’t do that. It’s not healthy.

If you want to move on to the next level of parenting you have to let go of the past. That means packing up whatever your child has left behind. Haul it to the basement storage room or garage and get rid of it.

It means making your own plans for the spare bedroom.

It means saying goodbye to what it once was.

5. DON’T TELL THEM WHAT TO DO

I like to tell my kids what to do. I come by it naturally because I’ve always done it since they were little. Whether or not they took my advice is another story.

But I try.

I have even tried to manipulate situations by telling my children what they should do rather than letting them find out on their own.

Mothers can be sneaky. Fathers also. We just want to control the situation when it comes to our kids. If they do what we want, we will keep them under our thumb. If we can keep them under our thumb, they will never leave us.

No empty nest required.

Telling adult children what to do all the time is how we try to avoid having an empty nest. We are trying to hold on to them by maintaining control of the situation in hopes to keep them dependent upon us.

That doesn’t work.

You can’t control this stage of their lives, and you have to wrap your head around that. You have raised your children to be independent, so that means they must think independently.

Let them make up their own minds.

6. LET THEM LEARN

Sometimes, when kids make up their own minds, they make mistakes. I’ve seen it through every stage of childrearing.

I watched my teenagers do stupid things because their friends said it was okay. I watched them make mistakes that ended up very badly for them.

As a parent, you want to rush in and save the day. You want to help them choose the right path so they don’t end up down the wrong one.

You want to steer a toddler away from the basement stairwell because they could fall, but sometimes you have to let them fall to learn.

We all know that as parents because we’ve all been there, but we forget about that part of parenting when dealing with young adults.

Watching an adult child fall is horrifying. There is absolutely nothing you can do but be there for them when they need a shoulder to cry on. You can’t force them to see things your way. You can’t manipulate the situation.

All you can do is love them.

Unlike when they were little, you can’t chase away the bogeyman. The bogeyman is the world now, and your young adult has to experience it in their own way.

That’s hard to take as a parent, but it’s necessary if you want your adult child to be a fully functioning member of society. It’s time for them to grow up and sometimes that means a life of hard knocks.

Let them grow wise.

Let them learn.

7. START OVER

Now it’s time to talk about you. This transition isn’t all about your child. It’s also about growing into the next version of yourself.

When my kids left, I had no idea what to do with myself. I had hobbies before I had kids, but they had long been forgotten.

I didn’t even know who I was anymore. My kids defined me for so long that I was used to being in the background and living life on the sidelines.

Not only that, but children leaving the nest often coincides with the start of menopause. It just so happened that I was at that age after my last child left the nest.

That brings an entirely different chapter to empty nest syndrome. Not only was my body changing, but my role as a mother was as well.

I can’t begin to tell you how awkward and frustrating this stage of my life was, yet it’s common for most women to go through menopause at the same time as an empty nest.

That’s part of the problem.

Not only was my body changing, but motherhood as well. I can’t begin to tell you how weird this stage is. It was like puberty in reverse.

My emotions were all over the place, and I felt unwell both mentally and physically. I would cry at the drop of a hat, and get angry for no reason.

I knew if I didn’t do something quickly, there would be a point of no return. I was forced to reinvent myself. I was forced to start over.

Starting over requires a lot of things. It requires you to be brutally honest with yourself and what you want to do with the rest of your life.

It requires you to focus on yourself for once instead of your children. That is totally bizarre for any mother because you’ve spent the last 20 years putting yourself last.

I had no idea how to even start. I had trouble with self-esteem when I tried to start over. I didn’t know how to go from being someone’s mom to thinking of my own needs and wants.

I didn’t think I was allowed. I didn’t think I had much to offer society. I didn’t think I had value beyond motherhood.

But I did.

It took me a while to figure it all out but I soon started bringing back some of the old things that I loved to do. I loved to write. I loved to sew. I loved to learn new things.

I decided to start a website, and that was the beginning of my new transformation. I started Crunchy Menopause and began helping other women through midlife changes.

I became an author and wrote many books. I was growing and learning how to be a seasoned woman; A seasoned mother.

Instead of moping around the house waiting for my kids to phone, I had a new purpose. I kept myself busy writing and sewing and doing all those things I had forgotten about.

If you want to get to the next level, all you have to do is reinvent yourself. Bring back some of those things you loved to do before you had kids, and experiment with new things as well.

You’re still the same person, but a different version of yourself. Find out what that means to you. Discover the possibilities.

Start over.

8. PLAN FUN

It’s time for fun.

It’s been a long time since you’ve invested in yourself. That might mean spending uninterrupted time with your spouse. It may mean dating again if you’re a single parent. It may mean a trip.

After my last child left the nest, my husband and I were faced with spending a lot more time with each other. That was both a good and a bad thing because we were used to focusing on the kids all the time.

Life gets busy, and demanding jobs take parents away from family time. That’s just normal. But when kids are no longer in the picture, your focus becomes completely different.

It’s just the two of you again. You have more time to spend with each other, and after the initial adjustment, you learn that’s a good thing.

You start to think of fun things you can do like going away for a weekend or taking a cruise. For us, we decided to take a cruise.

My husband and I were also celebrating our 30^th anniversary which coincided with an empty nest at the same time. It was the perfect storm.

We had never been on a holiday like this before and I was excited. It took my mind off of the empty nest and put things into perspective.

We had earned this trip. We spent most of our married life raising children and now it was our time to have fun.

We took an Alaskan cruise and had the time of our lives. I wrote a couple of books about our adventures if you want to click on the following Amazon affiliate links, Shortcut to Alaska, and Along The Way to check them out.

I always like to write about my experiences so I remember them forever.

We had so much fun and hope to do more travels as we retire. But you don’t have to travel to experience fun. You can have fun wherever you are and whatever you do.

It just depends on your perspective.

Make sure you actively seek fun.

It’s important for empty-nesters to focus on other things besides their kids. It’s important for mental health and longevity. After all, you knew how to have fun before the kids, so have fun after them as well.

9. KEEP BUSY

Keeping busy goes along the same lines as having fun, except busyness can be with work as well. For me, that means going to work every day even though I hate the rat race.

When I am busy, I am less apt to miss my kids. I am less apt to get after them for not texting me or calling me, especially if I haven’t heard from them in a while.

They have lives of their own and I need to respect that.

If I keep busy, that tells them that I have a life of my own and I will be okay. One of the biggest fears our children have is that their parents won’t be happy without them.

Show them that’s not true.

Make it not true.

Children are better able to focus on their new lives when you are happy. If they see you crying all the time or constantly calling them like a stalker, they will worry about you.

Yes, your kids worry about you.

It’s your job to put their mind at ease and show them you’re a grown-up and that you will be okay without them.

Keep busy. Stay active. Join a club. Go on a trip. Do anything so you don’t just sit around and mope all day, whining about the way it used to be, pining for your kids to come by.

When you’re idle, you tend to reflect. You tend to go through photo albums and old home videos crying over the old days.

Don’t do that. Keep busy instead!

10. GET A HOBBY

Having time for a hobby was a luxury while raising kids. There wasn’t enough time in the day to get all the projects done you had on your list, was there?

But now there is.

Start sewing again. Start painting again. Start building that project in the garage you had been trying to work on for years.

For me, I learned to quilt. I have never quilted anything in all my years of sewing until I had an empty nest. Quilting is like therapy to me.

I don’t know what it is about quilting, but it brought out a nostalgia in me that I never knew was there. Each square of a quilt represented my maternal instinct.

A quilt was like my baby. I guess you could say quilting took the place of my need to mother. Every stitch, every piece of material I added to the quilt was like I was creating an actual human being.

It’s hard to explain, but oh so true. My quilts gave me an outlet for my need to nurture. Other hobbies provide this as well, like gardening, cooking, writing, woodworking.

I’m not the best gardener in the world and that’s not my passion, but I know people that thrive on this hobby. There is something about soil and seeds that stirs up the maternal instinct.

For me, books are my babies. My websites are my babies. They are all equally important to me and feel like children. It’s unbelievable. I can create them and nurture them just like I did my own children, only in different ways.

Hobbies replace the energy you used to put towards your kids.

Get a hobby.

11. ALLOW THE BOOMERANG

When kids move away, they sometimes come back. That’s called the boomerang effect. When that happens, welcome them with open arms.

That means they’ve hit some bumps in the road. They need you again but they don’t know how to say it. That’s okay. Just love them anyway.

In the old days, reaction to this was, you’ve made your bed, now lie in it, which is awful and uncaring. Don’t ever turn a wounded child away.

Even though you want them to fly again, you still have to love them. If they come back home after a few months or a few years, welcome them with open arms.

Make sure you help them fly again. Don’t deliberately sabotage their efforts for your own personal gain and desire to be needed though.

The same rules apply. Your job is to help them leave the nest. Sometimes that means to give them a time limit for getting a job. Sometimes that means you give them three months to find their own place.

Whatever that is, make sure you communicate it effectively. You don’t want to hold them back by making decisions for them, paying their bills, or babying them.

You don’t want a failure to launch. You want them to fly.

In this resting period called the boomerang, love them anyway. Help them stand on their own two feet again.

Home should always be a soft place to land.  

12. DON’T BE OFFENDED

I say this honestly, I have been offended by my own children many times and that is not acceptable anymore. I need to do better than that.  

I thought I deserved a visit. I thought I should be taken out for my birthday. I thought I deserved an explanation. I thought they should text or call me more often.

I thought I thought I thought.

Well, I was wrong.

Just because I am their mother, doesn’t mean I am entitled to monopolize their time and control them. I taught my children to be independent and that is what they are doing. How could I be offended by the very thing I taught them to be.

Shame on me!

Don’t take offense when your child doesn’t answer his text right away. Don’t take offense when your daughter wants to spend more time with her boyfriend than she does with you.

That’s the way life is supposed to be.

Your young adults are out there having fun and you need to step back and let them. Fun doesn’t include a doting mother. It doesn’t include calling her every day either.

If you give your adult child advice and they don’t take it, don’t be offended with that either. Remember, if they took everything you said as gospel, they wouldn’t have a backbone.

You want them to have a backbone and be independent thinkers so they grow and learn to be fully functioning members of society.

You don’t want them to be yes men so stop being offended when they say no to you.

Don’t take offense.

13. KNOW WHEN TO BACK OFF

As your children get older, they will find a spouse, create their own family, and the circle of life will close.

Then it is their turn.

It will be there turn to learn how to have a family. It will be there turn to make mistakes with their own offspring. It will be their turn to experience what you did when you raised your kids.

You will want to help with everything and that’s just natural. But don’t. Not everything. Some things you have to back off on.

Know when to back off.

If you are expecting your first grandchild, don’t push yourself into the delivery room uninvited. Don’t be that mother-in-law who makes a pest of herself by coming over every day for coffee.

Be respectful.

As much as you still want to be needed, know when enough is enough. You don’t want to push yourself into someone’s life.

You want to be invited.

There is a unique dynamic that happens as you ease out of the empty nest and into the role of mother-in-law or grandmother.

You start getting a taste of being needed again. This time it might be helping your adult daughter with her pregnancy issues. It might be helping your son with his own kids as they grow.

You will start to feel needed again and it will feel very good. All the love will come rushing back. You will finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will realize you’ve transitioned.

But don’t blow it.

As much as you want to help, know when to back off. You can give them all the love and support you possibly can, but know when you’ve overstayed your welcome.

Don’t push. Don’t show up on their doorstep every weekend unannounced. Respect your adult children and their families. You did a good job raising them, and they love you even if they want some space.

You helped them spread their wings and fly like independent eagles. Just remember not to ruffle any feathers.

14. GET A NEW NEST

In the end, when life goes full circle, you need to build another nest. It won’t be like the old nest; it will be completely different.

The new nest is for your grandchildren and it will define your new role as a mature seasoned mother; The grandest of matriarchs.

Your new nest will be just as warm, but with a revolving door. It will be used by many for short periods of time and you will be okay with it. I can tell you, It will be worth every minute of it.

The pain of an empty nest will be non-existent this time around because it serves a different purpose. You will use your new nest to babysit your grandchildren and they will feel the warmth of a loving home during their stay.

You will be proud of your new role: Keeper of tiny chicks that aren’t quite yours, but somehow responsible for influencing them anyway. It will be both profound and terrifying at the same time, but you will be well equipped.

It’s hard to explain exactly what I mean unless you’ve been there, but you will feel privileged to shape these little lives even if it’s just a little bit.

Get ready for this.

It’s what I mean when I say there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is a new wind coming and it’s bringing the next generation.

Help them transition from one stage to another with your ultimate wisdom just like you helped your own little birds.

And then… when the time is right…

Help them fly too.

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Author Kathleen Morris

Kathleen Morris is a successful published author, blogger, and Youtuber. She enjoys writing about things she’s passionate about and making a difference in the world.